Wishlist for the Past

Do you ever wish that you could rewind past events and do it over again?

On the whole, I have never wished this for myself. Even when bad things have happened I try to see what the consequences of it were and how it influenced good things to happen. I wouldn't be me without having gone through bad times or learned from bad decisions.

With that said, I still wish that some things were different. That I had done things differently. That life had been different. That I was different.

All my life I've had dreams for what I wanted to do. Activities I wanted to be involved in, instruments I wanted to play, people I wanted to associate with, my lifestyle in general. This past weekend made me look back and see the realization of what my life has really become. I was able to spend time with some old high school friends, which was wonderful. It was really nice to be around people who sincerely cared about me, that I had great memories with. But while reminiscing with them and hearing their memories together it made me realize a lot that I feel like I missed out on. I wish...

...I hadn't moved so many times.

...I had been more outgoing in high school.

...I wish I had forced myself to actually work hard to be in activities.

...I wish I had taken more lessons for sports and music.

The list could go on a lot longer...

Don't get me wrong; I am grateful for all the experiences I had because of moving. I have made some of the best friends a person could have, and been able to go through some amazing experiences in each place I've lived. But for once...it'd be nice to sit with a group of friends who have all known each other since elementary school and know what they are talking about. I don't want to sound self-centered, but it would be nice to feel like I wasn't just some person passing through each new town. But that I made a difference and was actually remembered instead of being the "oh yea...that girl." I'm so tired of inside jokes and having to be filled in for every memory of elementary and junior high school. What really sucks is when I finally feel like I've made some lasting friends, again I don't want to sound self-centered with this, and they talk about the people that have been in their life, their "best friends", and not once have I been listed among them. Sometimes I feel like the drifter, not really belonging anywhere or with anyone.

Some ways, as twisted as this sounds, I wish I could move again. Just one more time to somewhere that I have never lived before. So I could finally just start over. Be around new people. Make my own memories and really be myself around people. I'm not completely comfortable with sharing myself with others yet. I don't think I'll ever get over my self-consciousness, but I can definitely say that it has improved a significant amount the past few years. It'd be nice to be able to go somewhere new and have no inhibitions about being myself.

Well, since that's not going to happen, I should probably start learning to be outgoing around people who have already made their own judgments about me. It's hard to change their opinions of me, but it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. If I want to do something I should do it. I'm tired of doing things the way to fit someone else's opinion of me. I'm tired of changing myself to please everyone. I know I'm far from perfect, the world's just going to have to get over it and get used to it.

Needless to say...I wish I had done things different and had the knowledge I have now when I was younger and could still have great opportunities that I have now lost. But there's no use in wishing for the past when there's still a future of possibilities.