You know, normally I try to be a very optimistic person. I'd say about 95% of the time I am. I like to love life and enjoy things, no matter how hard they get. Even in the hard situations I try to see how things are going to be better. Thankfully I have the Gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints to strengthen my optimism by giving me faith to know that things will turn out right. I know that the Lord loves me and everything that happens to me will make my joy so much greater, whether now or later.
But gosh darn-it, it's wearing to stay happy sometimes. I can't always be the strong one...in fact, I'm never the strong one. I take in all the hurt that's thrown at me, even welcome it if it means that I'm saving another the trouble of feeling pain or stress. I keep it inside of me and try to make my outward self project happiness. I can try to be happy until I can't hold it in any longer and can cry myself to sleep at night. I figure if I act happy long enough then I become that way. Any hurt I feel will be taken away by the Atonement anyways...Christ will help me get over stress and emotions until I no longer feel the need to cry. And people keep asking me to talk about it, but how is that making situations different? Talking doesn't change the fact that I'm single, stressed out about a future career that I don't even want, worried about finances that I don't have and tests that I feel inadequate in taking or applications that just create more questions and worries. I guess my strength is for others....I try really hard to be strong for everyone around me...to be one less thing that people need to worry about.
To be honest, I'm scared and feel very alone sometimes....I'm bored with dating. I'm tired of hearing about how great I am, but not enough. Don't get me wrong, I know the Lord has someone amazing planned for me. I'm just worn out...
And I'm tired of being told how my future should be..."get ready for grad school, start filling out applications, you need to figure out what you want to do with your career, prep for the GRE, you need to go to school immediately...blah blah blah." Well you know what, world! I don't freakin' want to go to grad school! All I've ever wanted to do was work on photography and be a mom...I'm only 22 and I'm already getting the talks about how I need to mentally prepare myself to be single for the rest of my life. Comforting right? Thanks for the pep talk...
Alright I'm done with my vent; sorry to any of you who had to read it. I really am ok, I just have moments where I can't do it anymore...And I guess tonight is one of those moments. Anywho, like I said, I know that things will be alright, and I'm pushing forward with as much enthusiasm as I can :) I can always gather strength from my favorite scripture:
1 Nephi 3:7
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